I was unfortunately on a call with some buddies when I read this article. The noise I made was evocative enough that when I said “god, I just read a thing in an advice article that made me shudder” they needed no more explanation. Much like the Vice article on the same topic, my body fucking recoils with the amount of no. So let’s break it down for the two articles shall we. From the ‘offending’ paragraph of the first:
Part her pussy lips and lick all around her clitoris; don’t start sucking on it just yet, as that can be too intense for some women before they are actually ready for it.
Yes on the no sucking yet, no on the licking of my fucking labia jesus christ. That just doesn’t fucking work for me and no, it’s not ‘ramping up’ to anything. There’s a world of sensation between nothing and sucking. A goddamn world so explore that for crying out loud, rather than licking another thing entirely.
Can you imagine if blow job advice was like this? “some men find straight out hoovering too intense before they’re ready, so just lick their groin”. This isn’t even equivalent to ball-licking, which I understand to be quite pleasureable. Going down and licking my labia is just…weird and offputting.
Stiffen your fingers and slide 2 into her while still tonguing around her clit.
Sucking is too much but slip some fingers in, that’s fine…
Experiment with different pressures and strokes. For example, use the tip of your tongue in a gentle flickering motion, (think of a snake’s tongue,)
No, no fucking NO. I swear I will find the fucking arsehole responsible for this flicking goddamn nonsense and flick them with a rubber band until they cry. Don’t, ever, flick sensitive parts of my anatomy with anything unless we’ve specifically arranged this scene and have safe words. Even if it’s painless, it’s awkward and unpleasant and boring.
and then flatten it to give broader strokes.
Why end with the gentlest sensation? Seriously, why end with the most soft and sensible tongue movement. Why flick first? Who the fuck wrote this?
Blow gently on her clit and see her reaction; note: never blow into the vagina itself as this can be dangerous.
A: always watch her reaction
B: you’ve deadened sensation with the flicking, abandon all hope mate, blowing air ain’t gonna do shit.
Now, Vice, you pack of bastards, I still remember reading this piece of shit and outright fucking flinching.
When you’re just about ready to do the deed, start practicing on that weird crevice next to the lips. Don’t spend too long there or she might start to think that you think that’s the actual cunt.
No. Just…no. See above about why it’s weird but if you’re going down on a woman for the first time why do something that might make her think you’re useless? Even if she knows you’re good at it, why pretend?
By now she should be dying for you to make your move. If you’re doing it right, she’ll be moaning and trying to force your head between her legs.
Because you’re not performing cunnilingus yet you tool.
Extra trick: Hover over the bush for about five seconds before the first lick. If you wait longer than that, she might think you’re having second thoughts because it smells bad. Of course, we all know that motherfucker smells sweeter than a bowl of steamin’ crawdaddies.
Please don’t do anything in this paragraph, including comparing my cunt to crawdaddies.
Important: Never bite the cunt in any way whatsoever. If this needs more explaining you should probably just stick to jerking off.
You’re not the boss of me, fucking useless tool who hasn’t gotten to cunt eating yet.
Parting the Red Seas
Oh so we’re period playing now, or are you eating out a redhead, or…no, just more
shitty shitty writing Vice ‘style’.
Isolate your playing field. Pubic hairs are to eating pussy what the Cavity Creeps are to dental hygiene. You’re never going to be able to identify all the parts if she looks like that PiL album That What Is Not. One hot trick is to get her to spread her lips apart so her pussy is all set up for you like a great big buffet.
Okay, I get the pubes thing, but again can we not slag off women’s bodies in their natural state? While ostensibly being all ‘woo yeah cunt eating’? And no, don’t get me to spread my lips you lazy shit you’ve fucking done nothing but nuzzle my thigh ditch and stare at my cunt.
Do your first lick super slow. It’s good to groan and moan too. It shows you’re digging it while sending microscopic audiophonic vibrations right up her snapper. Start just above the anus and take it all the way to the fur. Do about a dozen of these “St. Bernard licks” before moving on (take it really slow, like four seconds per lick). This is a good time to figure out what kind of clit she has. If it’s real sensitive, she’ll probably convulse as you pass over it and that means you’re in for an easy ride. If there’s no reaction when you graze over her clit, she probably has one of those nerveless little pea clits and you’re in for a thirty-minute session of tongue tendinitis.
Okay, this starts out alright…snapper…if a little unimaginative. Then we hit nerveless little pea clits and I want to break shit.
6) Rock the Boat
Eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a fag. If you’re getting tired of being ballerina boy, take it out on the clit. Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her uncomfortable and show the little bastard who’s boss.
Get fucked, not by me, you pathetic little shit.
After all, Mr. Elusive is precisely what makes muff diving so difficult. He’s surrounded by labia and, even after you find him, all the pressure can pop him over to the side. All of a sudden you’re giving the pee hole the seeing-to of its life. Think of the clit as a tumor in a pile of earlobes. When you push down on the area he’s the only one that can’t be squished. Once one of your tongue troopers finds him, call for reinforcements. Use your lips to get hers out of the way and focus all your attention into getting him alone. Once you find him, give him a bit of a hard time for trying to hide from you. Frisk him and give him a couple of whacks across the head. More on this punk and his bad attitude later.
Extra important tip: The best way to stimulate the clit is to run your entire tongue over it after you isolate it from the lips. The man in the boat should feel the texture of the entire tongue pushing down on his body and his boat.
Apparently my clit is a dude? Who knew, that’s brilliant. *drowns herself in a kiddie pool of gin*
And this is why most men are shit at cunnilingus, FYI. Don’t get me wrong I fucking love me some powergames in bed but jesus christ you arsewipe, don’t ‘whack’ my clit on his (!!!) head. Goddamnit. This isn’t fucking rocket magic. Again, imagine the blow job version: “his cock will try and demand entrance to your throat, gently redirect by pulling his pubic hair away from his body to reinforce this is undesireable behaviour”.
(The last tip is the only decent bit of advice so far and we’re still referring to my clitoris as a dude)
7) Identifying the Clit Type
After the slow licks it’s time to get this party started. There are essentially two types of clitori: ones that enjoy a serious going-over and ones that don’t. The latter suck about as much as a one-inch penis and you should dump her right away.
Extra tip: Clits come in all shapes, sizes, and sensitivities, but that doesn’t really tell you much. All of them want to be treated slow and soft at the beginning, but the only way to tell if you can go fast at the end is by reading her reactions. This is impossible to teach, but just do the best you can. All we can tell you is convulsing means take it ease and “Oh my God” means bring it on.
Thanks bro, for slagging on small cocks and sensitive clits, particularly since you referred to unsensitive ones giving you tongue ‘tendinitis’. Good work. Solid writing, excellent advice.
Oh wait, clits that don’t like serious ‘going overs’ are unsensitive ones? What? I dont?
*crawls back into the kiddie pool*
I can’t do this anymore, this is terrible. For something more positive, even though it’s still Vice style, at least this sounds like it’s closer to working on cunts. So go read that. Or just, you know, listen to your partner.