out of practice

I’ve been out of the loop for a little while. I described it to one of my editors as ‘life hit, hard’. Between one thing and another I haven’t had the time, or the energy, to do much more than the work that puts a roof over my head (as opposed to the work that puts a damp patch between my thighs).

One of the things that turned up just before I went radio silent was this, from Oleander Plume. It was sort of serendipitous, in that one of my reasons for going dark was a reoccurence of my own PTSD symptoms, but also because I’d been explaining to my therapist about being an erotica author who was sobbing on the couch because sometimes unexpected sexual innuendo is triggering.

It seems to be something that other erotica authors get, but not all that many others.

I write porn, I write the things I write, because of the demons of my memory. Because the more I write, the less those memories can do to ambush me. What I write is the safest space of all, just me and my page, and nothing happens there without my consent. Sure, I have a great partner but he is not a mind-reader, he can sometimes, still, more than a decade in, stumble and then I’m shivering in fear on the edge of our bed wondering how I got there. I have gret friends but sometimes there’s a combination of words that makes the bile rise in my throat and my vision narrow to a point. The page though? With my hands on the keyboard?

That’s the safest space there is.

I’m resurfacing, slowly, trying to mend all the damage I did when I went under, but the blank page doesn’t even need that. I can just start up again without a problem.

3 thoughts on “out of practice

  1. Beatrix, I am so sorry to hear you are plagued with this as well. Serendipity, indeed, because my own triggers have been escalating rapidly, this last week being one of the worst – and here I am stumbling on your post, at a time when I desperately needed a reminder that some people in this world “get it”.

    I have received backlash from a small group of erotica “writers” who don’t understand my triggers, and somehow think I’m less of a writer because of what I can’t read. When you are invalidated, it’s like being victimized all over again. Not good for the creative process, or the soul.

    Your words resonated with me, I understand what you are going through. I, too, seek solace in my own stories, writing scenarios that heal the scars – but sometimes, it’s not enough. Sometimes you need to hear that it’s okay, what happened wasn’t your fault, and that whatever you need to do to cope is completely and utterly perfect.

    Living through this is tough, but we’re tougher. Only a true bad ass mofo could rise up and write smut because they want to, because they need to, because they are compelled to face the very demons that want to drag them back into the dark!

    You are strong and courageous and you matter. Don’t let anyone tell you any different.

    all the hugs,



    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, I think I needed to hear some validation too – it’s not something I talk about much in real life (the erotica writing, or the PTSD, and certainly not the two things together) so it’s often just me finding my way around in the dark.

      I m sorry that some people just don’t get it – gatekeeping sucks, and it sucks even more when it’s ‘who is kinkier than who’ style nonsense.

      I’m sorry you’re going through a rough period but, as I read on tumblr a few days ago, we’ve got a 100% success record of getting through days like these so I’m certain we’ll get through tomorrow too.



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